What I need is some Mercurochrome
Tonight was the first time I have ever had to break into my house in front of an audience. Normally, I like to do these sorts of things solo, mainly so I don't embarrass myself when I inevitably get my shirt snagged on a nail or my shoe falls off.
I came home to find a pile-up of people at my front gate standing around looking bewildered. It was like three characters in search of a plot. There was a neighbor, a stranger, and a Federal Express delivery man. My neighbor told me the front gate was not opening and they didn't know what to do. I went back to my car and got a flashlight and some tools and tried to see what the problem could be. There was something wrong with the tumblers in the lock and they weren't catching and it was as if we were on the wrong side of a deadbolt. My neighbor pulled out his phone and called our useless landlord and asked him to call a locksmith while I laughed to myself. The last time the gate lock broke, our landlord removed the lock entirely and didn't replace it for two weeks and we had all manner of strange people wandering around our courtyard like we were a restaurant about to serve lunch.
Anyhow, I decided to go over the back fence and see if I could open the gate from the other side. My neighbor advised against it as it is a 9 foot drop. I told him that if he heard a crunch and a scream, to call an ambulance and make sure I went to UCLA Medical Center and not St. John's. I walked around to the back and climbed up onto the wall and looked down. Holy shit, it was a 9 foot drop! AND I was still in my work clothes. I sat on the fence awhile thinking how best to approach this. While I was sitting there thinking about it, I heard a couple of cars start up in the parking lot behind me and I heard their headlights come on but no one drove away, which meant they were sitting there in their cars waiting to see if I fell to my death or set off any burglar alarms neither of which would not be bad entertainment for a Tuesday night.
Finally, I decided my best bet would be to flip around and lower myself down and drop once I was fully extended, which is what I did. But not before cutting my leg open ON A NAIL that was protruding FROM A CONCRETE FUCKING WALL. Seriously, how the hell did a nail get in a CONCRETE FUCKING WALL? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A NAIL PROTRUDING?! If they're not in walls, they're in the carpet when I am barefoot, I swear. In any event, after I slid across the nail and tore open my leg, my blouse caught on the same nail and was pulled over my head as I slid down. Fortunately, no one saw that part as I was facing the wall at the time.
Fully extended, the drop was only about a foot, so it wasn't bad at all and I managed to open the gate from the other side. The parade of people then streamed in and it reminded my of that scene in Risky Business when Balki answers the door for the party and hooker after hooker pours in and just when he thinks he's seen the last hooker, another one comes through.
My landlord showed up about an hour later, removed the gate lock, broke some of my planters and rifled through my mail while trying to change one of the outdoor lights. He stood around outside my door for awhile, my guess is he was debating whether to tell me he had broken something. I could tell he was still outside because the watchcats positioned themselves in front of the front door and watched him act like a fool through the gap between door and floor with their tails swishing in attack mode.
I suppose I should just be glad he didn't bring his horrific boygirlboy child.
I came home to find a pile-up of people at my front gate standing around looking bewildered. It was like three characters in search of a plot. There was a neighbor, a stranger, and a Federal Express delivery man. My neighbor told me the front gate was not opening and they didn't know what to do. I went back to my car and got a flashlight and some tools and tried to see what the problem could be. There was something wrong with the tumblers in the lock and they weren't catching and it was as if we were on the wrong side of a deadbolt. My neighbor pulled out his phone and called our useless landlord and asked him to call a locksmith while I laughed to myself. The last time the gate lock broke, our landlord removed the lock entirely and didn't replace it for two weeks and we had all manner of strange people wandering around our courtyard like we were a restaurant about to serve lunch.
Anyhow, I decided to go over the back fence and see if I could open the gate from the other side. My neighbor advised against it as it is a 9 foot drop. I told him that if he heard a crunch and a scream, to call an ambulance and make sure I went to UCLA Medical Center and not St. John's. I walked around to the back and climbed up onto the wall and looked down. Holy shit, it was a 9 foot drop! AND I was still in my work clothes. I sat on the fence awhile thinking how best to approach this. While I was sitting there thinking about it, I heard a couple of cars start up in the parking lot behind me and I heard their headlights come on but no one drove away, which meant they were sitting there in their cars waiting to see if I fell to my death or set off any burglar alarms neither of which would not be bad entertainment for a Tuesday night.
Finally, I decided my best bet would be to flip around and lower myself down and drop once I was fully extended, which is what I did. But not before cutting my leg open ON A NAIL that was protruding FROM A CONCRETE FUCKING WALL. Seriously, how the hell did a nail get in a CONCRETE FUCKING WALL? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A NAIL PROTRUDING?! If they're not in walls, they're in the carpet when I am barefoot, I swear. In any event, after I slid across the nail and tore open my leg, my blouse caught on the same nail and was pulled over my head as I slid down. Fortunately, no one saw that part as I was facing the wall at the time.
Fully extended, the drop was only about a foot, so it wasn't bad at all and I managed to open the gate from the other side. The parade of people then streamed in and it reminded my of that scene in Risky Business when Balki answers the door for the party and hooker after hooker pours in and just when he thinks he's seen the last hooker, another one comes through.
My landlord showed up about an hour later, removed the gate lock, broke some of my planters and rifled through my mail while trying to change one of the outdoor lights. He stood around outside my door for awhile, my guess is he was debating whether to tell me he had broken something. I could tell he was still outside because the watchcats positioned themselves in front of the front door and watched him act like a fool through the gap between door and floor with their tails swishing in attack mode.
I suppose I should just be glad he didn't bring his horrific boygirlboy child.
Labels: Fist shaking, Paranoia, the wounding of Lot 49
posted by CMURB at 11:58 PM
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