So L.A.

Hey man, that is valid news, the Egyptian is on Hollywood Boulevard and the Aero's on Montana.

The parking situation is important to my people (and by that I mean Angelenos * ). I was supposed to go somewhere yesterday and I was unfamiliar with the location so my first question, before even asking for directions, was "what's the parking like?" and the person I was speaking to had an answer ready to go. That person was, of course, a VHTF native-born Angeleno.

I come across such rare birds every once in a while and it's like finding a $20 bill on the street. I'll usually be introduced, "This is so-and-so, he's a native like you" and both he (the general 'he') and I will instantly be suspicious of each other, having been fooled before by others claiming to be native only to discover they're New Yorkers who moved here five years ago. Then the questions start, guised as small talk.

"Where are you from? What city?" is the opening salvo. "Oh really, whereabouts?" is the second. That's to gauge whether you are a lie-teller and unfamiliar with the area. Don't laugh, this shit is serious business.

The final qualifying question is "What high school did you go to?" When I hear that, my heart sings and I want to encase the person in a ziplock baggie to preserve forever and always. Because it doesn't matter how old a person is or where they went to university or how long they've lived out of state, a native will always be prepared to tell you why their football team was better than yours.

Plus, they will always know what the parking's like, measure distance in terms of time, seldom complain about traffic on the 5 (because there is always traffic on the 5) and are incredulous that anyone in their right mind would pay big money to live in Eagle Rock.

*(If you were not born here, you are not native, I don't care how old you were when you moved here. Growing up outside the 213/323/310 triumvirate nullifies your ability to claim it although I have on occasion begrudgingly accepted an 818. Calling it "Hell.A.," "Lost Angeles," or "Cali" not only indicates you're not native but places you in serious jeopardy of me giving you five across the eyes.)